Wrestling and Blessing

I will not let you go, unless you bless me. Genesis 32:26

Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with thanksgiving. Colossians 4:2

The Genesis quote above is from a fascinating story about Jacob returning home expecting trouble with his brother. Years earlier, Jacob had tricked his brother Esau out of his birthright at the firstborn. Now, as Jacob is returning home, he hears that Esau is on his way to meet him, accompanied by 400 men. Assuming the worst, Jacob prepares himself for the inevitable attack that will follow.

The night before they are to meet, Jacob doesn't sleep. The scriptures say "a man" wrestles with Jacob until dawn. Whether this "man" is an angel or God is not clear, but as the dawn begins to break, the "man" tells Jacob to let him go. Jacob's response is the verse above, and is an example of the determination and grit that characterized Jacob's approach. "I will not let you go, unless you bless me."

Years ago, I heard Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks, the chief rabbi of England, explain that this verse informed how he approached grief in his life; specifically, the grief following his mother's death.

We all know that there is this difficult and beautiful dynamic in the human spirit...in which hardship can, over time, breed compassion for others facing hardship; grief in loss can, over time, make us more deeply grateful for the lives we have; unmet expectations can, over time, make us more accepting of what is.

To get there, though...you have to hang on until it blesses you. This is the content of my prayer life many days. If I am enduring hardship, I cry out to God in frustration, trusting that God is big enough to take my anger. If I am saddened by loss, I cry out to God in grief, trusting that God is big enough to take my tears. If I am surprised by unmet expectations, I cry out to God in confusion, trusting that God is big enough to take my tantrums. Simply put, by being honest about my human emotions in prayer, I "hang on" to this relationship with God until it blesses me.

And it always does. Fearsome, difficult, painful blessings sometimes...but blessings nonetheless.

Today, I can honestly say I am grateful for the hardships, the loss, and the unmet expectations; because they continue to overturn the Kingdom of "Self" in my heart and invite me into a very different Kingdom.





PRAYER:
Lord God, help us to never shy away from conversing with you. Prayer is our way to talk with you. May the conversation never end. Amen.*

*Prayer taken from the Moravian Daily Texts